That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
