Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
