i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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