Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
is that a dick in a sweater?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
