Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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