I wish I only lived at night.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I have post one night stand depression
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
