$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
