i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We had to coat check the pizza.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
