I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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