I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
