Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
