i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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