Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
