it wasn't lemon gatorade
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
