she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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