Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
