I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
