where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
