I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
