Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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