I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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