I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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