sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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