She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
