Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
