Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
