dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He shit in the fireplace
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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