none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
