i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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