Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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