i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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