Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
