I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she peed on how many people?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
