I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
