I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
