Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
