I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
God, I missed his penis.
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