How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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