update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
