We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
