I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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