no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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