why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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