they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
