Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
