What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Found the puke drawer
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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