btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude i'm inner monologue high
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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