why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
A+ Viking dick
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
