THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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