Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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